Beyond Forgiveness

I may have forgiven them, as God asks me to — but am I loving them, as God asks me to do too?

Forgiveness is the free balm handed out with hurt.

Just as spinach grows right alongside prickly ivy — get stung by the ivy, take up a few spinach leaves and rub it on the rash for it to go away — the panacea grows with the poison.

For those who recognise its healing properties and uncork that jar, pouring out forgiveness on the wound, relief is almost instantaneous. Forgiveness doesn’t need to wait for repentance or remorse — I can forgive without my oppressor ever having apologised. Forgive, and healing comes.

But what happens AFTER I have forgiven? Do I continue to walk with the one who has hurt me — or do our paths diverge? Or worse, like parallel lines, do we see and smile, but agree never to meet?

I stood at those crossroads, Reader. I’m still standing there, but I know now that I don’t want to journey alone. God asks more from us. Yes, he asks that we forgive, but he also asks that we love. And love without relationship is not love — it’s tolerance.

Of course this does not mean that we strive for relationship where there is no tolerance — even Jesus stands outside, waiting patiently for the closed heart to open.

We are not meant to pick any locks to a heart that refuses to open to us. We stand, and wait — the battle is not ours, but God’s.

What a relationship will look like, after hurt has eroded it, though, depends entirely on the grace we allow into it — in the way an earthquake-hit town will rebuild itself, imagining bridges over rubble, gardens over fissures, so grace will allow us to imagine a future where love covers hurt. Sometimes, in order for us to be able to love, the relationship will need to change so much, that the town no longer just looks different, it is called by a different name…one that is pleasing to God and those that live there.

Is it hard for you to picture this, Reader? I understand. A great many things break when hurt strikes, but the pieces on the floor are mostly Trust.

• Trust in the other: I never thought he would hurt me
• Trust in ourselves: Maybe I didn’t deserve any better; OR how did I allow that to happen to myself?
• Trust in God: How did God allow this to happen? How do I know this won’t happen to me ever again?

When trust is broken, reparation is needed.

Here’s what Jesus says — “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If you are listened to, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If that person refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a gentile and a tax collector.” [Matthew 18:15–20]

What seems to be a prescription for justice is actually one for mercy. Jesus is not telling us to go and extract an apology…we are meant to forgive, even without one. But while our forgiveness of the offender is not dependant on their repentance… their own salvation is. It is a merciful enemy who will return after hurt to “point out [my] fault”, so that I may be forgiven, not by them, but by God. Notice how we are to first point out the fault in private — a person is more likely to listen when it’s not a confrontation. And there is every chance that they were not even aware of the effects of what they did. Speaking to them about it gives them a chance to repent and accept God’s forgiveness. If this does not work, we are not to give up, but escalate our efforts in our concern. Perhaps this is what Jesus meant when he said, “Love your enemies”.

Which is greater — to let someone walk away thinking it was your fault…or to bring them to salvation?

How God handles hurt

Everyone knows about the first sin ever committed; Adam and Eve have quite the reputation for being the first sinners. But sin is still just a fancy word for hurt — every time I sin, I hurt God.

How does God handle the hurt?

In the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve had eaten of the fruit of the tree of Knowledge, God calls out to them asking, “Where are you?”. Would an all-knowing God who had created the universe not know where his prize creations were?

God was seeking out Adam and Eve — but he wasn’t so much asking where they were, as telling them that he was there.

But when we fail to see the God of the Old Testament through the lens of the New Testament, through the lens that Jesus held up, we see The Punisher. We may see God banishing Adam and Eve from Eden, but fail to notice his love covering their shame, in the clothes that he makes for them out of animal skins; he didn’t need them to be wearing clothes — he had already been with them while they were naked, but he does this for them… so that they may be able to come out to him. And similarly, we may understand that God did not want them to remain in Eden, but not recognise that it was only so that they could remain in relationship with him.

God’s removal of Adam and Eve from the garden was to keep them from eating from the tree of life — not because then they would live forever, like God, but so that they did not have to live forever…in sin. It is not the living forever part that he does not like — but living forever in sin — an eternal separation from God. [See Isaiah 59:2] After all, how could God begrudge us eternal life, when he offers it himself — “The gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus” [Romans 6:23]

But like our first parents, we still don’t understand the kind of father that God is. When he comes to Adam and Eve in the Garden, he is already the father in Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son, coming out to his children, looking not for an apology, but to embrace them in their state of shame; telling them that even if they could no longer trust each other, they could trust him.

Like the father in the parable of the prodigal son, God is constantly coming out to us too to seek, not so much an apology, but relationship.

The rest of the Bible is just one fascinating story of God trying to rebuild that relationship with us, showing us time after time, that though we may be an untrustworthy people, the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases — we can trust him. [Lamentations 3:22]

And just as Adam and Eve needed themselves to be covered and the Israelites needed Aaron to “Build a God!”, we all needed to see and feel our God and his love. God forgives even this; he remembers that we are dust. So, he lovingly gave us days and acts in remembrance. Every Sabbath, we would remember how God loves us, every passover (and now Eucharist), we would remember how he has saved us. God gave us these not to glorify his works, but as a beautiful commemoration of his relationship with us — like a wedding anniversary, to be remembered fondly and celebrated with joy.

“They will be my people and I will be their God”

From Noah to Moses, Samuel to David, covenants were made and broken (by us!), until finally God sent us a new Covenant, that could not be broken — it only had to be accepted. This was always the purpose of the covenant — to build a relationship with mankind.

But a relationship is not one-sided — there are things asked of both parties. To receive the salvation that God gives us, he asks us to repent and believe in his son, Jesus. But God has forgiven us our sins, even before we ask him — remember that Jesus died for the forgiveness of sins not even committed yet? Then why do we need to repent for them and ask for forgiveness? God asks this of us, not because he wants us to bow down to him and worship him, but so that we can receive his love. These are conditions he lays on us so that we may experience his great, unconditional, transforming love.

Think of it like this — your brother, Jesus, has already paid for your meal at a fancy restaurant. You know this, but when the bill comes, you don’t tell the maitre’d that Jesus is your brother. Instead of adding your sins to the tab he has already cleared, you accept the punishment of washing an unending pile of dishes, because you could never pay for the meal on your own. What a pity that would be!

Not only would our fingers look like prunes with all that dish-washing for eternity, we would be denying a relationship with someone who cared about us so much that he didn’t mind giving up everything so that we could be forgiven our debt.

And so, acknowledging that hurt has occurred is required for salvation — a relationship with God – but it’s also for relationship with each other.

Joseph (of technicolour coat fame) is often held up as an example of forgiveness. But even he doesn’t just embrace his brothers as soon as he sees them — he puts them through a whole lot of drama before he does! Joseph had already forgiven his brothers, but he waits a long while to tell them who he is, perhaps so that they could see the difference between what he was capable of doing, and what he actually did. In showing them that he could’ve extracted revenge, but didn’t, Joseph assures them that although he has been hurt, they can trust him. Despite Joseph’s efforts to earn his brothers’ trust, a residue of guilt and mistrust still exists — when their father, Jacob dies, they send a message to Joseph in his name, asking him to forgive his sons.

The distrust by Joseph’s brothers comes years after his words to them — “ ...you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” [Genesis 50:20] Forgiveness might be the balm that comes free with hurt, but grace is the salve that comes free with forgiveness.

It is this grace that comes with forgiveness, that will allow us, to see like Joseph did, the good that was meant for evil, and to be grateful for the hurt.

It is grace that allows us to trust God — if he allowed it to happen, there must be good that will come from it. And it is grace that allows us to imagine a future, a relationship with those that hurt us. Just as our relationship with Jesus draws us closer to God the Father, it is our attempts at relationship with those who hurt us that will draw them closer to God. Following the attempt on his life, Pope John Paul II asked people to pray for Mehmet Ali Ağca, the man who had tried to assassinate him. But he didn’t stop there — he met with Ağca and developed a friendship with him, meeting his family over the years. Whether or not as a direct result of his relationship with the Pope, we cannot say, but the man became a Catholic.

When God sees our willingness to not only forgive someone who has hurt us, but also to stand in the gap between them and God, to intercede for their salvation, he probably smiles. When the Israelites break their covenant with God and build the golden calf, Moses is upset with them, but he takes up for the people. He doesn’t do this by defending them — there is no defence — but by appealing to God. Moses could have taken up God’s offer of sparing him — salvation for only himself — but this good shepherd pulls out all the stops in appealing for his people. And it is perhaps this that God recognises — not what Moses said, but the fact that he cared enough to say it.

Today, when we think of salvation, we think of our salvation, in an individual capacity, but — “God so loved the world that he gave his only son so that everyone who believes in him should not perish but have eternal life”. [John 3:16] So when we think of salvation, this is the way we should be thinking of it too, as God meant it, and as Moses understood it — as a thing to be received collectively. God still looks for those who are willing to stand in the gap, after Jesus, willing to intercede for the ones who have hurt them.

But how can we be the man in the gap, when there is a chasm between us and the one we intercede for?

Moses was able to stay God’s anger on the Israelites, but when he returned to them, he stomped into the camp and made sure to tell them how they had wronged him and God. While interceding is loving, we are called to tell those who hurt us what they have done, so that they may be able to make reparation with God, if not with us.

Building Burnt Bridges

Relationship is a two-way street. What can you do when the one who hurt you doesn’t want to meet in the middle?

• Pray for them — ask God to bless and heal them. God has a wonderful way of stirring people’s hearts, and making them feel ‘restless’ enough to reach out to you themselves!
• Minister to others who are hurting the same way you once did. Like Jesus, because we have suffered, we can help those who are suffering. You may just be an inspiration to someone who is struggling to forgive, and help lay some bricks in a bridge someone else is building!
• Minister to someone in a similar position as the one who hurt you — a mother who lost her daughter due to a drunk driver, may be a sponsor for a recovering alcoholic; or a young person struggling to live with her judgmental elderly parents, may spend some time at a home for the elderly. Building compassion sometimes helps us erect the bridges we want to.
• List out all the things you have learnt and how you have grown through the experience of hurt — this will help you trust your new, wiser self enough to trust others too. Thank God for this good, that has arisen from what was meant for evil — this allows you to trust God and his plans for you again.
• We can also examine what we might have done to bring on the hurt we received, through bitter root expectation/judgements.

And when God sees our desire to do his will, he will give us the grace to do it. Then, perhaps, with a lot of grace, we will be at-one-ment with each other, all members of the same body of Christ; willing and able to love as he asks us to.

Not here yet? Still struggling to forgive? This 4-minute read might help — click to read!